Healing Rain

I listen for the changes in the tone of the rain as it falls endlessly from the sky.  It's almost 1am and I am awake for no apparent reason.  It's been some time since I've ever had trouble sleeping, yet today of all days I feel I am not ready to sleep.  I wait for the distant thunder to get up close and personal, but it only feels like it's running away from me.  Kind of relieved about that, I continue to search my mind for an answer.  It feels that I have forgotten the mantra of the Whatumanawa, working in the Whatumanawa and actively participating and nurturing this important aspect of my life.  What is the Whatumanawa you might say and well I can only share from my own experience of what I achieve in the state of Whatumanawa. Should I even be calling it a state? I am by no means a Tohunga in the realms of giving you the reader an answer, but for me it is where I am safe. Where me and my family feel protected in a spiritual sense and where I encourage friends to feel that same protection. When your intentions are right in something, it shows in everything you do. That for me I have been lacking this, with my mind thinking and acting for me. Especially when I know that I can achieve so much more calm and sense of being in the Whatumanawa so easily. What is it that allows the thoughts to process your being? For me it is my laziness to carry out the steps to get there, yet I know that once I'm there I feel the answer to the things I constantly mull over. Humanity is such a hard thing to let go of. I spent the last two weeks with a friend and away from usual surroundings, which allowed me to get into the state of thinking and over thinking to the point of worry. I was finding that I was worrying about things even when I knew I shouldn't be. My aim to take the steps and accept a leap of faith mentality had gone and I was awkwardly trying to find it again, to no avail. Where did I go wrong? When I let my guard down. When we let our guard down and allow our spirits to be attacked, we are open to fodder from all directions. It hurts folks and can be down right humiliating too. We have just placed a doormat down for people to walk all over and take bits and pieces of our mana. OUR MANA. No people don't always and I use the term lightly here but people don't go out of there way to defame, damage or put a blight on your reputation. No, it takes time and moments of their being out of neutrality to do so. But it's oh so hard to not get involved. Just the mere being involved is enough to do some real damage. You may not actively be participating in the conversation, but you have allowed that person to take a chunk of a persons Mana simply by being there and not saying otherwise. This is a big lesson that I had to learn the hard way and a lesson I want anyone who bothers to read this, to take heed of. I participated in the questioning of a dear dear friend, even though I refused to give feedback or answers. I should have stopped the conversation then and there, instead of allowing the questioners to assume without that friend present to say otherwise. It made me feel uncomfortable and it made me feel hurt that I couldn't protect my friend, which lead to guilt and feeling annoyance at these two people. My whole respect for a person was waning and I felt vulnerable and exposed. These are the sorts of feelings that you feel when your a kid!! I was out of neutrality which effected my ability to accept the Whatumanawa and bam!! I was shot with a loaded spirit gun, not once but more so than that. So, I accepted my karma for the wrongs I had done and here I am writing a love story :)
Therefore I welcome tonight's rain in It's intensity, as it is how I feel right now. Intense and rumbling like the rain and thunder, yet ready to welcome In a new day with as much intensity and love as ever.

To Humble Beginnings

By the end of March 2012, my services will be taking me to the Northern Territory, where I will offer my gift to families who need me.  I look forward to the interaction I will have with our indigenous Tangata Whenua and am looking forward to being educated about traditional birthing practices, should I be given that invitation.  Change in many forms can grow us and mold us in a way we have no control over.  When we give in to the experiences that arrive at our doorstep, it's best to embrace it and go with the flow.  I am also in the process of creating some art pieces, reflecting birth from my eyes. Also making Ipu Whenua to cater to mama's and families who want the traditional aspect of burying their whenua inside a vessel.  I look forward to utilising the various clays that are available for use.  I will add links when my works are available for sale.  Here is a link on making an Ipu Whenua using weaved baskets, simply beautiful in every way.

The inner calling

I sleep and dream of wananga with my Romiromi whanau and it's there that I hear the words of the Kaupare and there that I have learned what I have retained.  I love the words and the way that they roll off the tongue and it was because of this that I decided and felt at ease in almost chanting, it makes me feel safe and more readily to mahi within the realms of the Whatumanawa.  I know there is a birth present either within my immediate family or someone around me, as I feel it.  I feel the growing in my puku (stomach) and hear the cries, yet I am still unaware of who it is or maybe they are unaware yet that they are carrying our future.  Romiromi has encouraged me to be present when it comes to what surrounds me and the environment I am in.  I'm finding that I am scanning the area, house and people when I meet them. Not as a means to degrade anyone but to ensure the safety of my family and myself.  What I do feels right and feels part of my everyday life that I am considering Romiromi and Birth Attendance on a full time basis.  I have no fear with this path and am comfortable in every way with what I do.  I have always attended a birth in the right frame of mind and with the whanau involved in mind.  My protection is the Oriori I compose and and now the Kaupare, Wai Tai and acknowledgement to all guides, kaitiaki and Io.  I love what universal lore comprises of and am so fortunate to part of the acknowledgment process in my mahi Romiromi and mahi Tapuhi.

In early times

My choice and decision to become a birth attendant was one that I unintentionally began. I attended the birth of a very best friend from early primary school days, who knew that she would be birthing her daughter still born. I never questioned or gave her the impression that this is not the kind of birth I pictured myself attending but it was one that became the catalyst of where I am today. I felt honored to be there to support her in any way I could and ultimately she trusted me and trusted in my being there.  We had studied Maori language classes together and my passion for singing and karakia was something I had a love for.  I loved what our words sung out loud done to me and those that listened and this is what she asked of me.  To be there to sing to her as she was birthing her beautiful daughter into the world.  I didn't have a particular choice in the songs I sung, I just sung the songs that I felt would help her to mentally focus and center herself emotionally.  Before long, her first born daughter was born every way loved and every way still part of the family.  The feelings of the birth remained with me sub consciously for a long time and yet I remember little snippets of that exact time as though she had just been born.
My next birth was unfortunately the same, where I attended purely as support for yet another still birth of a precious little boy.  I could feel that something was affecting me and yet I still didn't acknowledge that this was possibly my calling.  My words, songs, tune everything was making an impact on some one's life and I had no idea that I was doing it.
My next birth was that of my nephew Brian, I spent time massaging and being with my sister in law.  Reassuring her that everything was going to be okay and for me I felt privileged to be asked to be there and present for my family.  My sisters eldest son was my next attended birth.  Before long my sister was standing giving birth and I was there to catch him and assist.  Free birthing at it's best I tell you. It's not about the hanging qualification that's says you can do it, it's about your ability to trust in yourself as an attendant at a birth that matters most. Your support brings that added security to a family and makes such a difference to the atmosphere. Therefore you always have to make sure you are transparent in your dealings. (a lesson I need to learn in my daily life) Labouring mothers are like sponges and feel everything and I mean everything. That tiff you had with your significant other is showing in your body language and being magnified a katrillion times over in that room. So take some time to debrief yourself and your mood. Even if it's in the car for 10 minutes, just breathing and getting to your place of neutrality. It will make the world of difference to a families experience with a birth attendant, doula or Tapuhi.

A Friday unlike any other

I love Romiromi and at times I can be apprehensive about what's in store when I'm having work done, though on this particular occasion I was pleasantly surprised.  As soon as the mahi started I could feel a tugging sensation in my uterus and I thought okay this is different.  I found as the treatment got further in, that I was starting to remember things from the Waananga that I had attended.  There was something pulsating in my uterus and it was as if, it knew that it had to be done.  Jacq told me that it was like a chain that she saw and then I felt like I was birthing.  Until finally there was a release and my heart felt melted, almost like I had fallen in love again.  The feeling was overwhelmingly good, much like the sensation of giving birth and finally holding your baby.  On our drive home, Jacq mentioned that it was like I was giving birth.  I then said it felt like the placenta was coming away from the walls of my uterus and that maybe the chain she was holding was the cord associated with the placenta.  Delivery of the placenta is the third stage of labor, which can take place some minutes after the birth.  Why was this stage so evident in my treatment on Friday?  Is this the part of me letting go fully of the babies that I have lost through miscarriage?  Could this also be the stage of me ending my inability to carry to full term?  Time can only tell.

Collecting Wai Tae

Being that today has not been the best in terms of weather, I still felt the need to collect Wai Tae or Sea Water.  I was determined not to let the weather deter me and I knew that once I got there that the rain would either recede or become more sprinkles than a down pour.  On our journey to Brighton Le Sands by train and bus, I kept an eye on the rain outside.  Getting a feel for what to expect and by the time I got to Rockdale, my connecting bus service to BLS, the rain was at a steady rate.  On arriving to BLS it had almost completely stopped, so down to the water me, my daughter and her pram trekked. Across the sand until we got to a nice place to set up.  I set my girl down on a towel so she could eat her sushi and watch mama, took out my 3 glass bottles and proceeded to head out into the waters.  They were somewhat choppy on my getting to the shoreline and as soon as I reached the shoreline and started my Kaupare, the waters settled and I was able to fill my bottles with ease.  I stood in the water reciting my Kaupare and when I was almost finished, I back up out of the water continuing the Kaupare until I reached the shoreline again and finished.  I felt so confident and appreciative of Hine Moana gifting me her sacred water.  Why the salt water you may ask?  Ive been taught the importance of this water since starting to Romiromi in particular.  I knew its significance beforehand thanks to my brother and on many occasions had used Wai Tae to bless my whare and my family.  In our Romiromi mahi, Wai Tae prevents the exchange of energy between me and the person who I Romiromi.  The movement and wave action of Hine Moana is constant, never allowing the settlement of anything negative.  Which is why I feel the need to go to the sea at times, to feel the waves wash over me.  After this I feel centered and content in carrying out my life until the next time I feel a disturbance within my well being.  There is nothing as pure as the water gifted by Hine Moana and ultimately Io for clearing.

To Professionalize?

I'm considering taking my work to a new level by including a Business Name/Logo to be able to present myself out there on a marketing level.  Is that the right path to follow I wonder?  Will this added professionalism mean I'm setting myself up to be bound by the unknown that goes against the grain of what I do?  I attend free births, home births, anywhere births, but does that mean that with the name and logo I am then not allowed to?  It poses a question of what I want for my work in the future and how best can I reach the wahine that are looking for the work that I do?  I don't think it will.  I feel that my calling and dedication to Hine Te Iwa Iwa is far more important than that of the corporate call, that they will balance themselves one way or another.  Now to plan and devise a plan of moving forward with logo ideas and business names.